GREY

            Time should have been a commodity that could be reversed-at least by a few seconds. The world itself would have changed if this was possible. We could have stopped natural calamities, inevitable deaths, wars,etc to build a better world and likewise the destiny of a mother and her child. Though this is not possible, I deliberately turn the clock backward to narrate a small part of my life which later I myself might forget or attempt to commemorate whether it was real or dream.

            It was raining. the atmosphere was wet. It was raining after long and I could smell earth. It was nice to see the wet earth after long but the darkness and dampness the shower caused was more depressing than appealing. Rain reminded me of my past. I always thought it was the sky weeping. For me life ended on a rainy evening when my mother left me to heart failure. At the age of eight, when I couldn't even spell or understand death, I was helpless. All I could do was to see her struggle in pain. I never wanted to see anyone else undergo the same and this decision pulled me forward to be a doctor and above all live on. Till date I have cured all patients that came my way and probably this makes people travel miles for my consultation. I see the pain my mother underwent in the eyes of my patients. Many people have advised me to quit my job at this government hospital and start a new clinic, but I never did and I had reasons as I always did.

            The day was indeed dark and more grey and green than usual. Unlike usual I felt the hospital had the pungent smell of spirit and medicines. I have been working here for the past 10 years and I never got such a horrific smell. The yellow walls were wet and made it look more grey. There was a chill in the atmosphere which caused a pain from within. I seemed rather more weak and lazy. There weren't a rush in the hospital. Things went as usual until when a small girl of 8 walked in to the hospital drenched in rain but with full of hope. She looked too weak which was evident due to the starvation and bitterness she had been suffering for the past few days. Though she was finding hard to breath she managed to hold her breath and ask me politely for her mother. From the time I saw her apart from the memories the rain brought me, I was constantly reminded of my childhood by her sight.

            The little girl, Nina had come a long way in search of her mother. She told me that she searched for her mother everywhere she possibly could. She started narrating her mother from head to toe. Her narration made me think of one patient of mine. Mary's soft smile, eager looks, long plaited hair and fair skin reminded me of the little girl in front of me. Without giving her much hope I eased myself out of the scene. While I went into hospital in search of her mother I could see Nina waiting outside eagerly with closed eyes and hands crossed saying a prayer to herself.

            I went into the emergency ward to meet her mother. While I started talking to her I realised that she could never come back to life and her reason behind leaving her only daughter in the orphanage. This caught my tongue on saying that her daughter is waiting outside for her, drenched in rain, full of hope and prayer. I knew that hopes will want her live more which was impossible for her. She looked deep onto my eyes like her daughter and leaving that inquisitive look on her face she asked me," Nina...?" I refused to look at her face and ran out. I didn't know what to answer. I was worried about Nina too. I didn't know what to tell Nina also. As I was walking out of Mary's room my eyes wandered in every nook and corner in search of Nina. She wasn't to be found anywhere. I ran out in search of her...onto the street and there I found a mob. I ran into the crowd to see what's happening and there I saw a yellow skirt and red blouse tampered on the road with blood and mud. A lorry ran over her and she was literally torn into pieces of flesh. I ran back to her mother in shock. There was again a crowd of nurses removing her supportive machines and confirming her death. I was in a state of shock. I found it hard to distinguish between reality and dream. I should have asked her to come with me to meet her mother. It would have become a dream come true for both of them. My moment of mistake thrashed two lives. I am responsible for these two deaths.